Listening to God's Voice

As I watched how the other brothers and sisters in Christ serve God through various platforms, i couldn't help but wonder where i stood in queue on this "waiting list" that i subjected myself to. "Are you good enough?", "Maybe it was something you have done?", "Remember the last time you served half-heartedly?" were familiar questions that kept coming back to me. Honestly, those were questions that i didn't know how to answer and it lingered on in my head. I was spiritually, physically and mentally worn out. Everytime these questions came back, i would redirect them to God and try to listen for an inner audible voice. Though i knew that God can speak to us through anything, i was stubborn and insistent and told God that i will only be convinced if i can actually hear his voice. And so, i waited for weeks, if not months and surrendered to the fact that God doesn't want me to hear the ugly truth.

So it happened. God spoke to me a few months later.

The young adult cell sat down after sunday service for cell group and the one question that Adrian Yang ( Young Adult Cell Leader) asked was "What do you think is God's purpose in your life?". As i hear the other brothers responding to this question one at a time, i became nervous because i obviously didn't know how to answer that question. Personally, i always felt that giving out model answers are a waste of time. No sincerity and unauthentic. So i asked for a skip to buy time. I expected the cell to come back to me after the last guy has shared but they had forgotten about it and carried on with the Word. So i thought to myself again "Wah, since they forgot about it, then i don't need to think about it lor". After cell, we were heading off for lunch and i wanted to share with Adrian how i felt in the past months. Somehow, i ended up telling him this: "God is keeping me here in this cell to develop patience, build character and prepare me for something big that is coming ahead". You know, i was shocked. All these while i have never thought of anything like that but after having said that, i felt peace and joy in my heart. I immediately acknowledged that spontaneous thought as God's voice.

A few weeks later....

My cell leader, Guang Han, rang me up and asked if i was willing to take up role of anchoring Touch Young Arrows. Though i was kinda excited that there was an opening for me to serve, i was willing but yet reluctant. Reluctant because i felt that i wasn't the right person for the job, it was not exciting enough and i knew that i had to die to self if i were to be involved in anything in regards to Touch Young Arrows (travelling distance, lesser time to sleep etc.) I hesitated over the phone and Guang Han eventually told me to pray about it and give him an answer the following day. After we ended the conversation, i was anxious because i felt that i had too little time to ponder. I sat down on my couch and started to pray immediately. I prayed hard and really asked God to give me a sign. The harder i prayed the more i felt that this was a test from the Lord. A test of the readiness of my heart to serve.

I came up with excuses for myself and bargained with God that i know this was a test blabla and haha. I guess i didn't receive any signs from God because of the way i prayed and so i stopped praying. While i was spending time with God again that very night, the question Guang Han posed to me came back to me and there was a built up of anxiety. "Time is running out Lord ! Give me an answer please!" was the first thing i asked of the Lord. At this point of time, i dropped all opposing thoughts and started to be objective about my prayer. I was really desperate when every minute went by with no signs showing. I eventually fell asleep praying.

I woke up in the middle of the night because i felt that i had the urge to pee. As i lazed a for awhile on my bed, i heard a voice telling me: "Wake up from your slumber". I thought it was my imagination or God telling me to visit the washroom if not i'll wet my bed. Normally, If i were to get up in the middle of sleep, the first thing i would do is to look at my handphone to check for miss calls or incoming messages. But this time, it was different. Another voice came into my head telling me to "Stand up and walk". I went straight for the lights and my eyes fixed itself on the bible lying on the side of my bed. I suddenly lost the urge to pee and i kinda knew God wants me to wait upon his Word. So i took the bible and placed my thumb on the side of the bible. I told God to bring me to the right page and i randomly flipped open the bible. To my surprise, i found myself staring at the very first page of the book of Proverbs and the settings of the book. The words that caught my eye on the very first page were "Although they are not meant to teach doctrine, a person who follows their advice will walk closely with God. The word "proverb" comes from a Hebrew word that means to "rule or govern", and these sayings, reminders, and admonitions provide profound advice for governing our lives". As i read through the book of proverbs, many of the verses hit me right on the nail and i knew that i have been foolish in my ways for a long time. There was also a thought in my head that kept telling me that i was the Chosen One. Even though i was convicted then, i wanted to make sure that it was from God. The next morning, i called Guang Han to share with him what happened the night before and agreed to take on the role in TYA.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have been having heart palpitations after meals for awhile now. It got worse by every passing day so i decided to visit the hospital in hope of getting a referral to see a specialist. So on the night before my first official day at Touch Young Arrows, the symptoms came back after supper with the brothers and they insisted that i see a doctor immediately. So off i went to the hospital and the doctors told me my condition was serious and i had to be warded. I argued with them that i had something important in the morning but they rejected my appeal. As i lay on the hospital bed the next morning, i apologised to God for trying to be a smart aleck and coming to the hospital. I was lonely for awhile and had one-way conversations with God. I felt that he wasn't there at all, or he didn't forgive my heroic act of getting myself warded. I was quite upset and indulged in self-pity. I asked myself if i had heard the wrong Voice to be involved in Young Arrows.

I'm actually quite a stubborn person and I told God that he can speak to me through the nurses or patients. (Something Real-Time and convincing, In-my-face kind). Not only did i get a nil return from God, to be honest i did not even feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. I thought that whatever bit of God's anointing in me has left. I felt like i was nothing. So there i was, all on my own except for the SMSes that kept coming in. I remembered reading every single SMS that came in a dozen times or more but to me, they were just normal SMSes. I dozed off due to boredom and right after i woke up, a light-hearted familiar spontaneous thought came to my head, telling me to read through the SMSes that were sent earlier. This time when i read the messages, i noticed that in almost every single message, the words "God is with you", "Holy Spirit is with you", "You are not alone" were present. I couldn't help but thought about my baptism name, Emmanuel, which carries the same meaning. I felt the presence of God in the room and i started to think about my baptism, which eventually brought me back to Spiritual Warfare i encountered right after i decided to get baptised. I knew Spiritual Warfare is present every minute, every second but it totally slipped my mind when i harboured thoughts about God or the HS leaving me. God also revealed to me that i have to learn to be extra sensitive to his Words and messages that can come from anything; be it text, objects or people.

I give Thanks to God for everything all that has happened and i know the voice of God will never fail me.

Amen.

Written by Dan Emmanuel Hum Gao Ming